The trouble with me and other relationships

I’m back. I’ve had a few busy periods, some sad times, lots of work and ahem … procrastination. I’ve let THE BOOK get dusty. I will dust it off and get reading again. I’m in the mood and my commissioning client is only patient to a degree. I’ve missed several deadlines. Oh, and I’ve been writing something else - bookish.

I’m not dating and I’m not online. I was dating and it ended when he met someone whilst I was mourning my Mum’s death. Not great timing on his part but no hard feelings. Not for me really.

A friend of mine IS dating. Or at least she is about to. Tomorrow. And I’m living vicariously through her. She’s online and I am keeping an eye on the online talent (not really for her?). Or at least I’m waiting for it. Do people even say ‘talent’ anymore?

I’m interested in how men portray themselves on dating websites. The language they use, the choices they make about their lists and photos. I think most of us women do study them closely. AND if men realised that we do this, then more of them would be careful with their profiles.

The photos are great fun to look at and one very successful website has practically no rules.

Type 1: a single out of focus photo (or even scanned from a crumpled passport pic)

This says: I look crap, they know I look crap and no amount of photos will change that, so why bother.

Type 2: a single ‘action shot’ talking into a mobile phone looking totes important.

This says: I’m a wanker.

Type 3: a lot of pics of bikes, mountains, mud, canoes, tents, marathon, motorbikes, dogs, skiing and more effing bland North Face than, well … a bland North face shop. And you can’t see the guy cos of: cycle helmet, hats, scarfs, goggles, dog, mountain etcetera.

This says: no time for you babe cos I’m doing STUFF.

Type 4: whacky face

This says I really, really am fun - see? GSOH. Clown.

Type 5: cropped with only the arm and a bit of the last GFs hair showing

This says: See, I can get a girl. I’m a catch.

Type 6: wears hat in all photos

This says: I’m bald or ginger and I want it to be a surprise.

Type 7: black and white shot

This says: I’m ginger and I want to to be a surprise.

Type 8: wearing sunglasses

This says: I’m cross eyed.

Type 9: bare shoulders

This says: I’m naked obviously! But my abs are non-existent so you are only getting the shoulders.

Type 10: corporate pic

This says: my secretary said I looked good in it.

It really wasn’t a smart move to go online dating in the run up to the festive period. I was simply too busy from a combination of Christmas preparations, becoming more rotund with turkey and trimmings, mince pies and chocolates, ALL the TV and movies to watch, the books I promised myself I’d read. And the long lies I crave. Did I mention the hangovers?

Oh…and the broken heating and the bust broken heating company that cost me £20 a month for the last 2 years and the £500 I had to stump up to get it fixed. So actually I’m too poor to date! Moving on…

In reality, I struggle to give my time to strangers when I have friends I’ve not seen for months. The one date I set up for December fell through (work emergency - his - apparently), so that was that. I gave up. It was a get out for me because it was obvious from what he was texting and saying, that he’d created a relationship in his head BEFORE we’d even met. I should be careful with that rapport building practice!

Oh actually - there was another date in December…I almosy forgot. Edinburgh is so small that I was connected to this guy via two exes. Forget 6-degrees of separation - or 4 if you count social networking. One via a workplace (harmless) and one via his ex-wife dating an ex-fling. I kept schtum.

So I’m still politely replying to messages and only half looking till January - Sunday!! And I’m only half judging the bad spelling, poor grammar, using CAPITALS and TXT typing. Oh, I’m just LOL-ing.

Mind you there’s a rather cute potter on another site - I might jump ship tonight. They do have a sale on and I’m a sucker for creative types.

I’ve just finished lesson 7. And week one. I’ve been doing this for weeks now so obviously not at a frenetic pace. I wanted to really think about some of the lessons and one exercise alone will have me cutting and collaging for weeks.

I’m really fed up with the quotes; 2, 3, or 4 on most double page spreads. I used to use quotes in essays when I couldn’t muster an articulate argument at 3am before hand-in day. I’d rely on other people to say what I wanted to say. Thomas doesn’t need the quotes. She writes clearly, convincingly and tells great stories. Her love story (the intro) is what hooked me.

Back to lesson 7 which was about creating space in your life for someone. Mostly physically in your home and she touches on making time too. I’m a welcoming host and my home is comfortable. My goal is not to move someone in, or move to their home, or a new home. Thomas is traditional in this sense. She also wasn’t divorced with 2 children. It is highly likely that since I am looking for a 40 something, that he will also be divorced with children and also not looking to create a new home. At least not till the children move out…hopefully not leaving it to their 20s!

I can make time in my often too-busy schedule. I can also list 5 things to make my home more welcoming to a man. 

1. buy a 4 shot expresso pot

2. remove bikini wax strips from view

3. ditto anything that mentions verruccas, athlete’s foot etcetera

4. remove some of the butterfly related bedroom decoration

5. hide this book!

Good news for me and the plan. I’m getting a bit of attention on the dating website. Some not to be taken seriously, like Mr Morocco. Some with strong potential.

I am communicating with one guy in particular. I say communicating because it’s been a few emails (over the website wall) and a few texts. We’ve missed each others’ calls over the past few days and there have been a couple of voicemails.

Now that I’m a fledgling NLPer, I am paying attention to the words people use. So this guy tells me early on that hopes to hear from me, would like to speak to me because voice is an important part of attraction to him. He tells me that I sound lovely (email) and that I sound really lovely (voicemail). The NLPers out there will see, hear, and sense that he experiences the world through sound. And he’s a sound engineer. A perfect auditory specimen.

Maybe we’ll never actually meet - maybe he has a voice fetish and is a voicemail collector? 

That got me thinking about the time I was conned into sharing pictures of my feet. Conned is too strong - he asked and I innocently gave…Duh!

I was ebay selling Agent Provocateur maribou mules - hardly worn, from an old relationship. Had lots of photos of the mules on ebay and I got a request from a guy to post photos of me wearing them so he could see what they were like on. Let’s just say I exceeded customer expectations - every bloody angle you can get a foot in a 3 inch furry heel in! He didn’t buy. That’s when I sussed!!

You meet some…erm interesting people on dating websites. This guy is 61, married, living and from Morocco. Here’s his opening gambit…

“accept me as you charmig (sic)  prince to save you?

 [I replied asserting the fact I don’t need to be saved and said how much I liked Morocco - was that ‘leading him on? I thought I was being polite - I reply to ALL messages]

Then he replied,

“yes, England is also charming country as Morocco. I wished to replace your charming prince to save you if you have need to be saved.

I am here to wait for your order. 
You are lucky to find me.”

It’s the final line that had me in giggles.

I’ve to get myself out there. It part of the plan. Meeting men. Dates, fix ups and just out and about everywhere. I have heard of successful chance meetings in the park and I can borrow a couple of dogs so I’m not wandering aimlessly! Or loitering.
It’s the weather to be more in than out though!
So this is now officially an advert.
Single, 43. Looking.
Actually, I might write a proper advert. No idea what the abbreviations stand for bar GSOH! Watch this space.

For lesson 4, I wrote lines and amused my children.

I was to choose a number of qualities that are important to me and then turn the lens on me. So if I chose love, I then had to think of a statement to anchor that quality in me. An example could be, “I am full of love and I am loved”.

We could have chosen 1 or 2. I chose 9 and had to write my affirmation for each quality, 10 times.

I then confused my children somewhat since it was suggested that we display these where we can see them. I have orange star stickies all over the place.

It was like revising tricky facts that you just have to remember. It works. And when I reach for the wine chilling in the fridge I am reminded that optimism is my middle name.